I remember a story about my Daddy. At the time, I was living on my own and working the night shift. One afternoon, I was startled awake by a loud beating on my front door. When I opened it, my Mama was standing there. She said, “Your Daddy wants to talk to you.”
I walked out to his truck, and he immediately proceeded to chew me out over his phone bill, accusing me of racking up long-distance charges. After he finally ran out of steam, I asked to see the bill. I flipped through the pages and gently pointed out that the long-distance charges weren’t mine, they were his.
His response? “Well, go back to sleep.” No apology. No”’I’m sorry I woke you up.” Just, “go back to sleep.”
I laugh at this now, but I learned something incredibly valuable that day. As parents, we are going to get it wrong sometimes. When we do, we have to be big enough to admit it. We have to look at our children and say, “I’m sorry.”
The Bible says, Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4 ESV).
Bringing them up in ‘discipline and instruction’ in this verse does not mean being a rigid disciplinarian. In fact, the original Greek word used for discipline here is paideia. It does not mean punishment or harsh policing. Instead, it means whole-person education, training, and life guidance.
Now, I’m not saying that there aren’t times our children need correction, because they absolutely do. I am saying there is a massive difference between being a rigid disciplinarian and truly discipling your child.
A disciplinarian behaves like a judge or a police officer, focusing strictly on enforcing rules and issuing penalties. True discipline, however, acts like a coach or a mentor. It focuses on teaching a child how to live, how to make good choices, and how to self-regulate.
This type of discipline actually got my oldest son, Josh, into a little trouble with his teachers at times! Because when I corrected Josh at home, I always explained why I was doing it and walked him through the consequences of his choices. As a result, when authority figures at school got onto him, Josh would often ask them, “Why?” He wasn’t trying to be disrespectful or push back; he was simply trying to understand, because that is how he was taught at home.
A rigid disciplinarian mindset struggles to admit fault because it fears losing absolute authority. But true biblical discipline values the relationship over always being right. When you look at your child and say, “I’m sorry, I got that wrong,” you aren’t losing authority; you are modeling honesty and humility.
Punishment looks backward at a mistake already made. Discipline looks forward, using that mistake as a teaching moment to build character for the future. Bringing our kids up in the discipline of the Lord means creating a safe environment where they are actively guided, corrected with love, and shown grace, not walking on eggshells around a strict authority figure.
So remember as you are raising your children that you are training a future adult. How do you want that adult to be?
Colossians 3:21 (ESV) Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
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