My Daddy was what one would call rough around the edges. He was a loving and funny man, but sometimes he played rough. I remember as a small boy that we would regularly go visit one of his cousins. One particular time there my Daddy said, jokingly, “Well if I’ve said anything to hurt your feelings, I really don’t care.” This was actually something that he had said to many people, always in jest.
A week or so later he called his cousin to talk and he could tell something was wrong. Finally it came out in a heated discussion that his cousin had taken great offense to his comment.
Unfortunately this was the last time that they ever spoke.
Have you ever had something happen that seemed insignificant at first? Maybe it was a comment. Maybe it was an innocent remark or a careless one. Maybe it was a simple misunderstanding. And let’s be honest, sometimes it’s not what was said, but who said it.
You forgave it and told yourself you were over it. You moved on, or so you thought.
Then one day something happens, and the irritation returns. A harmless comment suddenly feels offensive. A simple conversation feels strained. You find yourself interpreting everything through this filter.
What happened?
The issue may not have been that the offense was large. It may be that it was never resolved.
Sometimes we forgive an offense, but we still need reconciliation. We need a conversation. We need to work it out before it takes root.
A splinter may be small, but if left alone it can become infected. Relationships are much the same way.
As we read in Hebrews 12:15 (KJV) Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;
The thing about roots is that they grow underground before anyone sees them. By the time bitterness becomes visible, it has usually been growing for quite some time.
I had a boss once that said something to me that made me madder than a wet hen. After I calmed down I went to him and we had a conversation as adults and worked it out. Had I not addressed it, it likely would have become a root of bitterness that grew between us.
The goal of addressing a hurt is not to win an argument. The goal is not to prove we were right. The goal is restoration.
I can’t tell you how many times my wife or I have said to the other, “Hey, we’re good, but I need to get this off my chest before it becomes an issue.”
Many friendships have been lost because people were afraid of an uncomfortable conversation. Others have been lost because the conversation began the way my Daddy’s ended; with emotions already running high.
We must be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God (James 1:19-20 KJV).
Many friendships have also been strengthened because someone cared enough to have an honest conversation. One that put aside assumptions and asked questions. One that listened as much as it spoke. One that shared hurt without attacking. One that sought understanding instead of victory.
Jesus emphasized just how important reconciliation is: Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift (Matthew 5:23-24 KJV).
Jesus wasn’t asking them to do something convenient. He was asking them to interrupt one of the most sacred acts of worship to pursue reconciliation. That’s how highly He values restored relationships.
Also Jesus doesn’t say, “Go if there is a major sin.” He doesn’t say, “Go only if someone intended to hurt you.” He doesn’t say, “Go only when the offense is impossible to ignore.” He simply says if there is something between brothers, deal with it.
Don’t lose a relationship, because you weren’t willing to have a conversation. Don’t let a splinter become a root. If a relationship is worth keeping, it is worth a humble conversation.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19 KJV
And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation…
Colossians 3:12-14 NIV
12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
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